风白谷

Can I be true

【翻译】In the Deafening Silence节选

In the Deafening Silence

在震耳欲聋的沉默中


这是一篇OMCxDean文的后续翻译,前半篇和授权在同萌,不过后来被弃坑了。忍不住去翻了原文,结尾真是虐死我了……所以自己动手了,只翻了最后一章的其中一段。作者是L大,AO3原文传送门:http://archiveofourown.org/works/181741/chapters/267284


Dean看着Riley然后想起了他的父亲,他想起John Winchester的沉默,他的坏脾气,和他永无止尽的要求,不管Dean多努力都无法让他满足。他想起他们开着Impala,而Sam的鬼魂正坐在他们中间,使空气冷却下来,从Dean的肺中偷走呼吸的氧气。他想起他如果长时间地回想他的弟弟是一种怎样的感觉,会让他回想发生了的事,回想Dean如何彻底地搞砸了这一切。

然后他想到他收拾好自己的包裹然后把它扔在Riley的福特野马里。他想到每天早上从Riley身边醒来,想到不用再赌球赚钱除非是为了娱乐,想到和一个懂得他为什么要及时行乐的人一起生活。他看着Riley充满希冀的笑容,然后他想到Riley是一个多么适合与他在一起的人。

但被烙印在Dean内心深处的名字不是Riley。Dean永远不会感觉到那种Riley显然对他抱有的感觉,Dean明白。他在Riley叹着气说话的时候就知道这一点了。他在乎Riley一一甚至有些爱他,但这不是那种爱。

这并不是Riley想要的那种爱。

Dean没有摇头。他的手也没有动。

但当他看着Riley眼里的光渐渐熄灭时,他就知道他用不着做那些动作。

“好吧,”Riley温柔地说,他慢慢地站起身来。

Dean忽然想起来在Impala里等待着他的是什么一一他和他爸间冰冷的空气一一他的心脏开始加快,几乎疼痛了起来。他往前冲了几步,在Riley挣脱之前抓住了他。他抓住Riley的肩膀,猛地将他拉过来,将他们的嘴唇并在一起。

Riley抵抗了几秒钟便沉溺了,他的嘴唇张开,手指包住Dean的头发。从在车上那晚开始Dean索取的从没有比Riley给予的更多,但在绝望的时候人们总是放手一搏。他发现Riley已经半硬了,而且越来越坚挺,但当他试着解开Riley的裤子释放他的老二的时候,Riley的手放下来阻止了他。

Riley将他的头别开,喘息道:“我不能做这个,Dean。我爱你,我真的爱你,爱到让我害怕,但我一一这正是为什么我不能做这个,我不能,我不想在此时此刻拥有你,而之后再也一一”

求你了,Dean想道,他往前一步,再次将嘴唇覆盖住Riley的。

这一次,Riley将他推开了。这个动作带着威胁的意味,甚至让Dean往后踉跄了几步直到他找回他的平衡。而就在他准备再次上前时Riley的表情将他定在了原地。

Riley,这个似乎不知道如何皱眉的男人。Riley,这个甚至试图在告诉Dean一个恶魔用他的身体谋杀了全家人的时候微笑的人。Riley,这个此刻表情支离破碎而满脸泪痕的男人。

“对不起,”Riley轻声说,“我真的很抱歉。”

求你了,Dean用手语打道。绝望的味道在他口腔里蔓延开来。我可以学会的。

Riley几乎被他自己的笑呛住,然后他抬起手揉了揉鼻梁。“Dean,你学不会的。我真希望我有时间去教你,但你学不会的一一爱情不是什么你可以学会的东西。而你一一我知道你不会相信我,但你值得比我更多的。”

我们还可以一起狩猎,Dean试着说,过不一样的生活。我可以修好你的车,你知道我可以在打斗中保护好我自己一一

“这些事我可以自己做,Dean。”Riley在Dean挥动的手语中说道。“我知道我犯下的错值得更多的惩罚。而且我并不想因为你做不到的事而恨你。”

求你了,Dean再次试着说,而这次Riley的手指飞快地做了一个Dean还没有见过的手势,但他立刻就认了出来。

不行


-完-


综上,所谓最虐的文并不是双死双杀,而是我爱你你爱我然而我们就是不能在一起………受不了我拙劣的翻译的可以看看英文版,L大的原文真的很感人


Dean looks at Riley and thinks of his father. He thinks of John Winchester’s silences, and his dark moods, and the way that nothing is ever good enough, no matter how hard Dean tries. He thinks about riding around in the Impala with Sam’s ghost sitting between them, turning the air cold and stealing the breath from Dean’s lungs. He thinks of how it would feel to be constantly reminded of his brother, of what happened, of how Dean fucked up so very thoroughly.

And then he thinks of packing his shit and throwing it in the Mustang. He thinks of waking up next to Riley every morning, of never having to hustle pool for anything other than fun, of living with someone who’s seen enough to understand that you have to squeeze every last bit of joy that you can out of life. He looks at Riley’s hopeful smile, and he thinks of how easy Riley is to be with.

But it isn’t Riley’s name branded on the inside of Dean’s heart. Dean’s never going to feel about Riley the way Riley apparently feels about him and he knows it. He knew it the instant Riley signed the words. He cares about Riley—maybe even loves him, a little, but it isn’t the same as being in love.

It’s not what Riley is asking for.

Dean doesn’t shake his head. His hands don’t move.

But as he watches the light go out of Riley’s eyes, he knows that he didn’t have to.

“Okay,” Riley says softly, drawing away and standing up.

Dean’s thoughts snap back to what’s waiting for him in the Impala—to that cold, icy space between him and his father—and his heart pounds faster, panicked. He pushes to his own feet and grabs after Riley before he can move away. When he catches hold of Riley’s arm, he yanks him back and spins him around and shoves their mouths together.

Riley resists for all of a couple seconds before melting, lips opening and hands coming up to grasp Dean’s hair. Dean hasn’t tried for more than Riley has offered since that night at the drive-in, but desperate times call for desperate measures and he reaches down. He finds Riley half-hard and getting stiffer by the second, but when he tries to open Riley’s pants and free his cock, Riley’s hand is there to stop him.

This time, Riley pushes him away. The shove is forceful enough that Dean stumbles back a few steps before he can catch his balance. He’s about to move forward again when the sight of Riley’s face freezes him.

Twisting his face away, Riley pants, “I can’t do this, Dean. I love you, I do, it scares me how much, but I—that’s why I can’t. I can’t. I can’t have you right there and never—”

Please, Dean thinks, straining forward and getting his mouth over Riley’s again.

Riley, who doesn’t seem to know how to frown. Riley, who even managed to smile while telling Dean he watched a demon use his body to murder his family. Riley, whose expression has gone broken and whose cheeks are wet with tears.

“I’m sorry,” Riley whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Please, Dean signs. Desperation tastes like metal in his mouth. I can learn.

Riley chokes on a wet laugh, and lifts his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Dean, you don’t. I wish I had time to get through to you, but you can’t—love isn’t something you can learn. And you—I know you aren’t going to believe me right now, but you’re worth more than settling for me.”

We can still hunt together, Dean tries, chasing after another lifeline. I can fix your car, you know I can handle myself in a fight—

“I can’t do that to myself, Dean,” Riley says over the flick of Dean’s hands. “I know I deserve a lot of shit for what I’ve done, but I’m not strong enough for that particular brand of punishment. And I don’t want to end up hating you for something you can’t help.”

Please, Dean tries again, and this time Riley’s fingers flick back in a sign Dean has never seen before but recognizes instantly.

No.


Fin.


虽然已经退圈很久了,但是如果有谁知道同萌恢复了的消息能第一时间通知我吗...?谢谢了,圈里那么多好文,不想都失去。

评论(2)

热度(9)

© 风白谷 | Powered by LOFTER